Listening can Deepen Understanding and help to Fall in Love
– By Bruce Lynch for
to use the Active Listening relationship technique to
improve your Marriage or Relationship.
“Being Heard” is one Key to Understanding, a Key
Active Listening opens to you.
ability to listen actively can improve personal relationships
through reducing conflicts, strengthening cooperation, and
fostering understanding.” - WikiPedia
you want to "Be Heard" by your girlfriend or
boyfriend in your relationship? Perhaps you prefer Action.
Learn to be trusted more and to get your ex back.
that you care. You are interested. You are trying to
the tire blew. I went over a curb. It was terrible!" she
says as She walks in the door.
Answer #1. "Did you get the spare fixed?" he quickly
responds. Why? He Wants Action.
a young one, young He is in relationship skills. There would
have been time to talk about replacing the spare. Now, you have
upset Her. You did not let Her "Be Heard."
you the Action person in the Relationship? If
you are, you would benefit greatly. Learn Active Listening
rules and techniques here in this article. Then use the Active
Try it, initially for a few minutes.
Listening can feel odd initially. It takes practice.
is the your boyfriend or girlfriend Feeling and Thinking?
Active Listening will help you gather those answers.
Active Listening for 2 or 3 minutes initially.
Listening Rule: Reflect about your Boyfriend's or Girlfriend's
Answer #2. "Oh, wow, honey. Were you shocked when the tire
job! He used Active Listening. He focused on what She said and
in the time period she named.
Listening Rule: Your Reflection, Reflecting needs to be
reflection points to what happened and focuses on the moment an
Listening Rule: You do not talk about implications or
Listening Rule: Do
not Ask a Question, not yet. That comes after Active Listening,
after She has Been Heard.
Answer #3: "Oh, you were relieved I am sure when AAA
What is She likely to say to such Anticipating language?
might respond with,
honey. I had to wait for them for 45 minutes. I was late for my
appointment." Do not Anticipate when using Active
Listening Rule: An
important Active Listening idea: Discuss
No Solutions until Next Day.
you abide by the rules of Active Listening, then you can
not bring up new ideas.
The person being heard can bring up what ever they want to. You
reflect on what the Other is currently saying, not on what may
your tongue if you need to. You can not bring up a solution
when She wants to Be Heard. If She brings up a solution, do not
pursue it. Not yet. Wait until the next day.
Delay is Not required. It is Best to Structure Conversation a
little, if it will help.
what I want now is to better Understand what happened and how
you feel about it. Maybe it would be better to stay on that now
and to talk about possible solutions later.”
who would not like to hear such a suggestion? Instead
of pushing, you are calm and focused on Hearing and
are the Rules as I use them. Following is more about Active
Entry about Active Listening begins
a communication technique that requires the listener to
understand, interpret, and evaluate what he hears. The ability
to listen actively can improve personal relationships through
reducing conflicts, strengthening cooperation, and fostering
one’s own frame of reference, suspending judgment and
avoiding other internal mental activities are important to
fully attend to
nice Diagram of Repeating, Paraphrasing and Reflecting is
more about Active Listening at Wikipedia.
teaches Active Listening:
deliberate with your listening and remind yourself frequently
that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is
saying. Set aside all other thoughts and behaviors and
concentrate on the message. Ask questions, reflect, and
paraphrase to ensure you understand the message. If you don't,
then you'll find that what someone says to you and what you
hear can be amazingly different!”
describes 5 Keys to Active Listening:
that you are listening.
what has been said by paraphrasing.
"What I'm hearing is." and "Sounds like you are
saying." are great ways to reflect back. Ask questions to
clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say."
"Is this what you mean?" Summarize the speaker's
can be an Active Listener, even for 3 minutes. Show that you
care. You are interested. You are trying to Understand.
with small Active Listening experiments.
Active Listening for 3 minutes or 5. It does require discipline
not to start suggestions.
you discuss Active Listening with you partner first? Ideally,
yes. Yet, there can be no harm in using your new skill before
later pointing back to successful conversations.
to Be Heard is
strong among children. You will be a better parent if you wait
until the Next Day, even better when you use Active Listening.
Principles exist that make life better. Active
Listening is one such Principle. I use it in many relationships
with my adult children and those I want to understand deeply.
focus of much
of my writing is about Principles and Techniques that Make Life
learn those principles, my
life experience is rich in training,
at university, at IBM, Boeing and Computer Sciences and in a
Church. It also includes reading the Bible word by word more
than 10 times, reading the scriptures of each Great Religion,
reading biographies of 220+ people who achieved a degree of
Greatness and direct experience with over 10 start-up
at our 15of.com
four more relationship techniques.
about Relationship Techniques